


Hold My Words Accountable

by quitemagicaph



Category: Leah on the Offbeat - Becky Albertalli, Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: F/F, Leah on the offbeat, Missing Scene, abby is glad she did, and fonding over each other, and they love kissing, i love girlfriends, leah apologizes for the lowkey bi convo, loto spoilers warning, they're soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 05:31:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14561934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quitemagicaph/pseuds/quitemagicaph
Summary: Leah sighs. It comes out shaky."Well. About that.""About what?""You being bi.""Yeah, what about it?""I was a real dick about it when you first told me. I mean… You were questioning, and you barely had any time to figure it out, and I wasn’t helping at all. And I want to apologize for it."(or; Leah apologizes for the way she acted when Abby told her she thinks she's probably "low-key bi".)





	Hold My Words Accountable

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. 
> 
> So the thing is I'm going through this shitty writer's block that prevents me from ever finishing any fic that I start writing, and I definitely didn't think I would get to the point of posting anything for at least another month.
> 
> But I finished reading Leah On The Offbeat on Friday night and what I really needed was a scene where Leah apologizes to Abby for the words she spoke when Abby came out to her, but a scene like that isn't in the book, so I took matters into my own hands.
> 
> Consider this a missing scene, I guess? But beware, if you haven't read LOTO yet, go get that done first and then come read. Spoilers ahead (kind of).
> 
> I hope you enjoy!!

There are a lot of things Leah has a hard time believing are actually true.   
  
One of them is that Abby likes her back. Leah had been pining for way too long for her to think she would ever had a chance with this girl. And yet here she is.   
  
This is usually accompanied by the fascination that comes with looking at Abby, and realizing she’s  _ real. _ Because Leah is convinced she isn’t. She can’t be. Someone like Abby belongs in the heavens above.   
  
But the one thing Leah has a  _ very _ hard time believing is how Abby keeps coming over. And how Leah minds the least about it. If she even minds at all. Because that’s far from how she usually feels when she expects visitors.   
  
It’s not that she’s exactly ashamed of her and her mum’s house. It’s just that she only feels ashamed when others have to see it. It’s too messy, too crammed up with stuff for people to step into. And for that exact reason, Leah has always felt weird about her friends coming over. Even when it’s just Simon or Nick, that she’s known since basically the beginning of time.   
  
But Abby is over every other day. And Leah has grown very fond of her invading her space like that. Even when they do nothing but cuddle up close to each other on Leah’s bed and waste time on social media while barely maintaining conversation.   
  
Which is exactly what’s going down right now. With the only difference that Abby got tired of using her own phone and she decided to lean her head on Leah’s shoulder and look at her screen, as she’s scrolling down her Tumblr feed.   
  
Leah won’t pretend her breath didn’t catch in her throat when she felt Abby lean in closer. It’s pointless. And she’s fully helpless when it comes to Abby.    
  
They’re barely saying anything, occasionally commenting on some post they feel needs a comment. And now they’ve fallen into a comfy silence, which is soon enough broken by Abby.   
  
“You know, I was wondering.”   
  
Leah looks at Abby quizically.   
  
“How did you mom take it?”   
  
“What?”   
  
“You being bi. How did she take it?”   
  
Leah frowns. She sets her phone down on her nightstand. “That’s what you were wondering?”

Abby shrugs. “Yeah. I mean, I’m already out to everyone in school, and to Molly and Cassie, but I’ve yet to come out to my parents.”

“What about your brother?”

“He stalks me enough on social media to know that I have a girlfriend, so I never really had to come out to him,” Abby replies, and Leah can’t help the blush.

There’s something _very_ endearing about the word “girlfriend”, okay?  Give Leah a break.

“Well,” she says, trying to ignore her fluster, “You don’t have to come out to them yet if you’re not ready yet.”

“No, I know that. I’m just curious as to how they would react.”

“Abby, your aunt is a lesbian. Your other aunt is bi. Cassie is gay. And both your mom and dad are super cool and casual about all of them. You think they’ll be surprised by another non-straight member in the family?”

“It’s different when it’s their own kid that comes out,” Abby says, almost too quietly. “And it wasn’t exactly like anyone could expect it. Me being bi, I mean.”

Leah’s eyes look up to find Abby’s, and the latter’s are full of worry.

And then there’s this feeling again. That guilt settling down inside Leah’s stomach.

She knows exactly what Abby means.

Not because of personal experience. Her being bi is something she figured out long ago.

But because that’s exactly how Leah herself handled Abby’s coming out. Like it was too unexpected, and like Abby was just messing with Leah’s feelings.

Like she was faking it.

And while Abby was trying to figure out the label under which she fitted in, Leah was a whole bitch about it.

And she feels awful about having not apologized for it yet.

But, well, if it’s any consolation, she’s been meaning to for weeks now. Since the moment they officially started dating, basically. But she could never muster the right words. Or the right way to bring it up without making things too awkward, or without reminding Abby of another totally valid reason why she’s a mess and doesn’t actually deserve being with someone like her.

And Leah hates apologies in general. She knows they’re necessary, and needed, and everything, but they make her feel vulnerable. Leah feels too exposed when she has to go through one of them.

But she knows she has to say she’s sorry. She’s done a lot of thinking. She doesn’t even know whether Abby has any hard feelings towards her for the words that were spoken, but she just can’t handle how ugly she acted about Abby questioning her sexuality.

And all because Abby was bringing out that confusion she felt on Leah. She trusted Leah with something that was brand new, and a little scary, and Leah still went ahead and victimized herself instead of helping.

If it were Leah in Abby’s shoes, and she had just had someone -possibly the girl she likes- act like her coming out is less valid than anyone else’s simply because it took her years to figure it out, she would be angry. And she would demand an apology.

For all she knows, Abby probably does too.

“Leah?” Abby asks, slightly concerned, and she snaps out of it.

“What?”

“You fully zoned out there. What’s up?”

Well, that’s happening.

Leah can’t delay it longer. That conversation is the only thing her and Abby seem to always avoid talking about.

She sighs. It comes out shaky.

“Um. About that.”

“About what?”

“You being bi.”

“Yeah, what about it?”

Leah can’t bear looking at her. Her gaze falls to her hands, and how she’s nervously playing with the hem of her cardigan.

“Well…”

She feels like she can’t breathe. Abby must sense that.

“Leah, it’s okay. You can tell me anything.”

“I know that. It’s just- I was a real dick about it when you first told me. I mean… You were questioning, and you barely had any time to figure it out, and I wasn’t helping at all. And I want to apologize for that.”

“Oh.” Abby sighs softly, and then proceeds. “That was weeks ago, Leah.”

“Still.”

“You know I’m not mad about it, right?”

“You should be.”

“But I’m not. At first I was, but in hindsight, I was lost, and I was taking it all out on you. I get why you were angry.”

“No, Abby. Listen. You shouldn’t get why I was angry. Because I had absolutely zero reason to be angry.”

“What do you mean?”

Leah briefly looks at Abby. Her eyes are wide, and very brown. Leah feels shitty for ever making these eyes cry.

“I mean that, yes, you were confusing. And it was making me very frustrated, and I didn’t know how to handle neither you, nor my feelings. But what else were you supposed to do? That’s what questioning means. And that’s what I should have expected from someone who only just recently found out they aren't straight. It was stupid to make it about me. I immediately realized that, and yet I didn’t stop myself. I went ahead and practically forced you out of the closet when you barely had time to register being in it in the first place.”

“Then why didn’t you stop?”

There’s not a trace of hard feelings in that. Yet Leah still feels the guilt choking her up.

Because that’s Abby seeking out the apology she needed. That’s her trying to make sense of the reason why Leah reacted like she did.

Leah should have apologized weeks ago.

“I guess… I expected you to own up to being bi quickly enough. It was easy for me, and I had my mom help and support me through it. For some reason I thought it would be easy for everyone else too. It was like... It was something I low-key always knew about myself, so that meant it was also something that everyone had always known about their own selves. And I thought the same for you, as well.”

A beat of silence stretches between them.

“Yes, I know that sounds very self-absorbed. And I promise you it’s exactly as self-absorbed as it sounds,” Leah says eventually.

“Don’t worry, I get it,” Abby replies, and she sinks further down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. “I just wish you would have told me that right then. You know, turned around one final time before walking away and said you’re sorry for being too selfish to see reason. Something like that.”

“Me too.”

Abby presses her lips in a thin line.

“To be honest, I’m curious as to why you’re still coping with me. Why you did in the first place.”

Abby lifts her chin up to find Leah, and shoots her a perplexed look.

“I mean, I clearly don’t know how to own up for anything. Let alone my behavior.”

Abby lets out a small laugh. “C’mon, Leah. Cut that crap.” She’s fondly grinning.

_ Lee-uh. _

But then she continues. “To some extent, you helped me accept I’m bi, I guess. It wasn’t exactly pretty how you did it, but still. And expecting you to be flawless and fully understanding of everything is rather unrealistic, in my opinion.”

Leah only focuses on one part of what Abby told her.

“Exactly pretty? Hell, Abby, you thought you were straight for the past 17-ish years of your life, and you reach me out to tell me about how after all, you think you’re actually not straight, and I spat it back to your face. Putting on the damn label and feeling comfortable in it is the hardest step of them all, and I acted like you were invalid just because you didn't have it all figured out immediately.”

“I mean, I did say I was lowkey bi. I guess you were right about that not being a thing,” Abby answers.

“And yet, it was none of my business to dismiss that. So what? You weren’t yet ready to fully admit you’re bi. Me pretending that coming out even to yourself is easy just because I felt like I was getting hurt by you not admitting it was very hypocritical. As if there’s anyone who wakes up one day and is capable enough to realize they’re a part of the LGBTQ+ community and then accept it and move on as if their lives remain unbothered.”

Leah watches Abby as she focuses her gaze back to the ceiling.

“You didn’t deserve that, Abby.”

She nods.

“Yeah. I didn’t.”

“And I’m so sorry about acting like you did.”

Leah sits up, still looking at Abby, and she sees her smiling faintly.

“I’ve done a whole list worth of bad things, and I really can’t seem to stop being a jackass, but I truly feel bad about my behavior,” Leah concludes. “I should have given you the time you needed to fully figure out your identity before thinking that I had any say on it. And that this had anything to do with me. I really am sorry.”

Abby’s smile grows.

“Apology accepted.”

“And I’m sorry it took me so long to gather up the courage to tell you that.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Abby says, turning to lay on her side and face Leah. “I’m just glad you now see where you were at fault. Far better than never speaking of it again.”

“Even if I was too proud to admit I was wrong?” Leah asks. She’s fighting back a smile.

“Even then.”

God, why is it so hard for her not to smile around this girl?

Leah scoots closer to her, which she thought was impossible, but she can never be too close to her. Abby lifts herself up just slightly, so she can find Leah’s lips with her own. Leah has her arms wrapped around her waist the entire time.

Although one kiss turns to more, and soon enough neither refuses to pull away. Leah feels like she could do that forever.Honestly.

But she still manages to whisper another “I’m sorry” between the kisses. She doesn’t think she’ll get rid of her guilt soon enough.

Abby chuckles softly, and it vibrates against Leah’s lips. It has Leah’s heart grow ten times in size.

Had she been able to turn back time, she would erase that toxic conversation from existence. The bitterness she felt when Abby was confusing her, simply because she was confused herself. The tears she caused Abby to spill. The way their lives went on without neither of them aknowledging the flaws of that entire transaction.

All of it.

She pulls away briefly after what seems like a thousand minutes worth of kissing.

“Just,” she says, and Abby blinks at her, “Don’t let me get away with it the next time I fuck up, okay?”

Abby grins widely, and Leah is left looking at her, fully enticed by the way Abby looks  _ too beautiful  _ even when she does something as simple as  _ smiling. _ It used to make Leah  feel unsettled, but now she can’t get enough. She can’t go two minutes without appreciating Abby’s smile.

And her entire existence, basically.

“Okay,” Abby says, dropping one last kiss on Leah’s worried pout. “I will. So long you don't get angry the moment I call you out.”

"I won't. I know better now," Leah replies.

"I'm happy you do."

All Leah can do then is smile in appreciation when Abby cuddles closer to her.

**Author's Note:**

> Before the shameless self-promo and all that, I gotta thank Becky Albertalli for giving life to these characters, and for providing Leah with the endgame and the happiness she deserved. Reading LOTO was honestly an out-of-body experience, and a lot of tears were spilled.
> 
> ANYWAY. Hopefully you liked this... drabble, or whatever this is.
> 
> You can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/iovebrams) and a [tumblr](http://awkward-silence-bram.tumblr.com/) and if you did like this, check out my other works too!! Unless the simonverse fandom is too dead in a couple months time, I do plan on posting more for them, but we'll see how that goes.
> 
> Thank you for reading :))


End file.
